32 Signs Your Spouse Is A Werewolf

Sure, you love your partner. But do they sometimes seem a little… odd? A little wolfish, perhaps? Do you notice them disappearing each month around the time of the full moon?

Whatever suspicions  you do or don’t harbour, find closure with these 32 sure-fire signs of lycanthropy.

Balverine

“Honey?”

  1. You don’t own a dog, but you keep finding short, tapered hairs on the furniture.
  2. She’s always ready for walkies.
  3. He spins three times before he lies down in bed.
  4. The vampires next door are complaining.
  5. You can tell horror stories about “that time of the month”.
  6. You overhear her describing her family as a pack.
  7. The first thing you noticed about him was his toothy grin.
  8. She laughs when people ask if she’s a vegetarian.
  9. He gets really excited to see you, even if you’ve only been gone a few minutes.
  10. She’s allergic to chocolate.
  11. He shouts when he sees animals on TV.
  12. You noticed your in-laws’ best silver crockery is actually plastic.
  13. She’s an animal in bed.
  14. Last time you lost him in the shopping centre, he howled until you found him.
  15. You’ve gotten into a routine of putting up lost-and-found posters when she goes missing each month.
  16. The doctor advised you to have him microchipped.
  17. She’s Team Jacob. She’s very, very Team Jacob.
  18. Friends have described him as “loopy”
  19. She once caught a tennis ball between her teeth.
  20. He cried when you swatted him with the newspaper.
  21. She’s the fittest person you know.
  22. You once caught him eating raw bacon.
  23. People in town lock their doors and windows and stay inside during her monthly girls’ night out.
  24. He sleeps on his back with his legs in the air.
  25. Her hens’ night resulted in casualties.
  26. Last time he snapped at you, you nearly lost a finger.
  27. Her arch nemesis is the neighbourhood cat.
  28. He harbours an unfathomable suspicion concerning the postman’s integrity.
  29. TV on the Radio’s Wolf Like Me is “his” song.
  30. There are rumours that she once ate someone. Worse, you’re starting to believe them.
  31. He takes two hours to shave.
  32. And, for any concerned Australians, she howls when Bert Newton’s on TV.

 

How does your spouse rate? Be wary – we’ve all done a few of these (who hasn’t howled at Bert Newton or eaten raw bacon?). But if your spouse is checking more than a few boxes, it may be time to put down the wedding ring, and pick up the silver bullet.

 

Lycanthropy Test 101

Lycanthropy Test 101

 

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About Anneque D. Machelle

Anneque "Dangerpus" Machelle (rhymes with ranger wuss) is a rebel and a rogue from way out west. Strictly banned from interactions with other human beings, she spends her days amongst molluscs, dogs and lizards, whom she counts as her closest friends.

Posted on October 28, 2013, in Art and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Reblogged this on Robbie MacNiven and commented:
    A few of the characters from Ironfang could do with a post like this…

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